Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
