That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
