explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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