I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
