she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
