How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
