I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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