made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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