I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
