if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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