I think i peed on brittanys purse
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
