I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
