just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
