We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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