I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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