PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize