he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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