he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
