Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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