it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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