A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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