I hate your face
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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