Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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