She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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