i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i think i just lost a toe
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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