walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
