Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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