You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
