She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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