there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
