i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
