are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
