My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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