if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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