I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”