You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
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He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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