Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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