ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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