Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
