that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
