I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
