Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
