it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
