How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
