I hate your face
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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