My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
