I can text with my tongue
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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