I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
