Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
