There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
