he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
