I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There's always time for handjobs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
