My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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