Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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