too bad you live with your parents still
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
