Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
