Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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