So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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