plz talk dirty to me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Say something about gay babies.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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