genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
